This just in: there’s a good chance every person you resent, you also envy.
“No,” you say? “Not me, Sara. That makes no sense. I resent the people I resent because they’re awful–what could I possibly envy about an awful person? Try to be sensible, Sara!”
As I’ve learned to say in dealing with difficult people,
“You may be right…”
[You may be completely full of it. But you may be right.]
However, work with me here. I’ve learned that the word resentment does not just mean anger, it comes from the French word “resentment” (picture me saying this in a French accent please, it works better, so “re-sahnt-mahnt,” like that) and it means, simply, “feeling again.”
In other words, any feeling, be it fear, anger, loneliness, doubt, or worry, that comes up over and over is a resentment because it is a re-feeling, not the original feeling, but a persevering of that feeling.
In Brené Brown’s Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience* she walks through most of the emotions that all of us feel and couples her personal experience in dealing with that emotion with the research on what really drives that emotion.
In talking about resentment, she says that most of her resentments are against people she perceives not to be working or sacrificing as much as she is. People who are setting boundaries and having self-care, you might say.
But when Brené asks emotions researcher and writer Marc Brackett this question, she gets a whole new insight into those resentments:
“‘Is resentment part of the anger family?’
Without hesitation, Marc replied, ‘no. Resentment is part of envy.’
Oh, holy shit.
I’m not mad because you’re resting. I’m mad because I’m so bone tired and I want to rest. But, unlike you, I’m going to pretend that I don’t need to.”
–Atlas of the Heart, p. 30
That‘s exactly me. A few years ago I spoke angrily to a member of my community in a large meeting suggesting they leave the community if they weren’t willing to fulfill our expectations and duties. That member was hurt by my comments and asked for a meditated conversation with me. As I prepared for that session, I took a look at why I was so angry at him and his lack of participation.
Just like Brené (and let’s face it, I am just like her. I mean, she has a podcast, I have a podcast…), I wasn’t angry at him for not fulfilling his duties because he had too much going on in his family. I was angry because no matter how much I had going on, I always fulfilled my responsibilities. I never said “This is too much. I can’t handle it.” I never gave myself a break.
The Atlas defines resentment as
“…the feeling of frustration, judgment, anger, “better than,” and/or hidden envy related to perceived unfairness or injustice. It’s an emotion that we often experience when we fail to set boundaries or ask for what we need, or when expectations let us down because they were based on things we can’t control, like what other people think, what they feel, or how they’re going to react.” –
-Atlas of the Heart, p. 33
So today if you find yourself resenting someone, consider what do you envy about them? Where are they, perhaps, giving themselves a break or setting a boundary that you won’t give yourself?
*side note: every single therapist and minister should read and have Atlas of the Heart at the ready. Forget the DSM-5–Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the American Psychiatric Association, edition 5
