We get together with a group of longtime friends almost every year at a different rental home on the West Coast of the U.S.
A couple of years ago, I confessed to an advisor that I had some anxiety about our activities on the trip because I perceived that because we all like to do different things, I don’t get to do what I want to do. She helped me see that I was trying to please other people or make sure they were having fun instead of focusing on what I wanted to do. That coaching wasn’t much of a revelation since focusing on other people’s experiences has been one of my survival patterns since childhood.
What was a revelation was the suggestion that at the beginning of the trip, we sit down, and everyone goes around in a circle and says what they would like to do with their time in that area if the activities were 100% up to them. I agreed to implement that suggestion and even emailed everyone that it was important to me to start with that discussion.
When we got down to business, not only did everyone take the question seriously (not a given in this loud, opinionated, irreverent, interrupting group of people), but the result was phenomenal. On that particular trip, there were 7 of us (2 couples plus a father and adult son and another friend) staying just outside of Yellowstone National Park at the height of summer. Some people wanted to hike long distances. Some people wanted to stay in the beautiful scenic house close to the wifi. Some people wanted to drive around the whole vast park. Some people wanted to kayak. Everyone wanted to play games every night after dinner.
The three full days passed like magic, and everyone just did pretty much what they wanted. Different configurations of people formed for mornings and then reconstituted in the afternoon. Great conversations were had, and sights were seen.
Ever since then, I’ve been in love with the 100% exercise. It doesn’t just work for groups and it doesn’t just work for vacations. Often, couples think that because they’re on vacation together, they have to do everything together. Not true. Most people love some time on their own or down time. But the converse is also true: if part of your desire is to do certain things with certain people, you get to express that as well. That doesn’t mean they have to do it, but at least you say it.
The important thing is not to start ratcheting down your desires before you even talk to your loved ones. In other words, don’t start with your 80% or your 70%; start with the real 100%. It’s not your job to anticipate other people’s needs and adjust your desires to theirs. After everyone in the group (whether 2 or 20) has said their 100%, then you can really see where you are and make adjustments.
If you experiment with this, please let me know how it goes!
