7 tips for dealing with difficult xxxxxx xxxxxxx people

this is not that column where we talk about how it’s “me in the mirror,” and everyone is an effing contribution to us. (see https://snicholsblog.com/2023/09/every-person-is-a-contribution-to-us-sigh for that).

no, in this concept, we acknowledge that whatever the “spiritual truth” may be, we still find certain individuals, sometimes in our own family, to be particularly difficult to deal with. so, as we head into the holidays, here are my favorite tips for dealing with people that i experience this way. note that most of these techniques are sort of relationship aikido, designed to take me and others out of harm’s way and to avoid my showing up for the arguments to which i’m invited. obviously, if someone says something racist or violent and we are shown to take a stand, we do that. we always have a choice.

1. change the subject constantly and obviously. know someone who goes on and on saying terrible things about other people, or hosting an epic pity party?  three words: change the subject. find something or someone that you can stand to hear them talking about and switch the topic to that. doesn’t have to be graceful or artful. i have found that most people who do this are not sufficiently aware to notice an abrupt change of topic, as long as it stays on subjects they like to talk about. say they have a favorite animal or hobby, change it to that. example: cousin so and so is telling a self-pitying story i’ve heard 4 times before, i boldly interrupt, say “hey cuz, that’s great story, but i just gotta ask, whatever happened when you took your dog to the vet last year? what did that turn out to be?” (or whatever you can stand to hear about). i guaran-goshdarn-tee you that they will just immediately switch to answering that question and never look back.
2. “you may be right” – i strap this phrase to my waist to employ whenever something very stupid is being said with which i totally disagree. of course, the subtext is, “you may be totally full of shit,” but i find that is usually lost on those folks. it has the desired effect. they stop bolstering their point and they go on to something new.
3. go to the bathroom. getting heated up? worried that you’re going to say something that you regret?  leave the room. i don’t care if it’s a thanksgiving dining table. just mutter excuse me and go to the bathroom and close the door. breathe, take a break. collect yourself.
4. scream “shut the fuck up!” – what?! rev. sara, you’re suggesting we scream “shut the fuck up!”? yes. sort of. whatever is in our head like that when the person is talking needs to come out. now that we’re in the bathroom its time to scream whatever that is, sotto voce. i can’t tell you how many times this has saved me, screaming all by myself, in the quietest way possible “shut the fuck up! shut the fuck up! shut the fuck up!” allows that part of myself to calm down and return to the room.
5. don’t try to be loving to others. you heard me. another example of ministerial malpractice? no. a key life hack: be loving to yourself so that you have a shot at being loving to others. often whatever it is that is being said or done or felt, i put my hand on my chest and say to myself, “wow, sara, this is really hard for you.”  that sweet acknowledgement allows me to show up differently in a way “trying” never does.
6. leave the room for a long while without explanation. when someone hurts me or says or does something really atrocious, or if they’re just driving me crazy, it’s a loving act to me and to them for me to just leave the room or the house. again i can just say “excuse me” only this time i’ll be gone for a while. i can go to my sleeping quarters, my car, for a walk, my airbnb, whatever i need to do to keep myself safe and sane. yes, people may find me rude to leave abruptly, they may have questions when i return. but, that is their business, not mine. in general, this is one of the single best ways i’ve learned to hold my own boundaries. bonus: it tends to send a very strong message much better than anything i could possibly say.
7. have your list of actions to take handy. maybe you have other tricks that have worked for you with these particular people or other difficult people (please let me know what they are). if i know i’m going into a difficult people situation, i have those handy on my phone or printed in my purse. when i go to the bathroom, i look at them and remember ok, i can say this or do that. 

that’s all for now.