would you literally rather die than tell others what you need to feel safe?

i have to stop lying if i’m going to stay safe in the pandemic. in fact, i have to stop lying if i’m going to stay safe period. the problem is my brain tells me the opposite. at some point in my childhood i came to believe that it was not my responsibility to keep myself safe, it was my job to keep everyone else safe. or, to be more honest, the only way i knew how to keep myself safe was for you to be safe. if you were unsafe, i was unsafe. if you were unhappy, i was unhappy. if you were afraid, i was afraid.

these patterns haven’t served me for a long time. over the years i’ve become increasingly aware of them. only just now, in the pandemic, have i realized quite starkly how life-threatening they are.

exhibit a: i am picking up pre-made food from a chef’s house. we have arranged in advance the time i will be by. i text her to say “you can just leave it in front so you don’t have to have contact.” we pull up as she is putting the bag outside. instead of leaving it, she comes right up to the car and hands it to me. as she is approaching, i am saying things like “i’m trying to avoid making you have contact.” “she puts the bag in my hand and says “i’m over it. i’m healthy. i’m good”

the problem, i realize immediately afterwards, is that i’m lying. i wasn’t trying to protect her from contact. i was trying to protect me from contact. but my pattern, honed from childhood, is to pretend that i am focused on what you need, not what i need. so once you say “i’m good,” you’ve called my bluff met my conditions. if you don’t care if you have contact and if i’m only trying to protect you and not me, then there’s no reason to observe social distancing. and, even worse, i have no right to resent anybody by myself.

exhibit b: i am on a narrow hiking trail. a young man is coming towards me and shows no sign of moving off the trail on a patch near him so that i can pass at a safe distance. i move off the trail but i can’t move very far. by doing so i am indicating that i am being conscientious towards him so the ball is in his court. if that’s not safe for him, he can back-up and move over. if it is safe for him, he’ll just pass me very closely even though its not safe for him. and this is what he did.

the problem, i would literally rather expose myself and my 86 year old mother (whom i am a caregiver for) to a deadly disease than i would to 1) not have a hike or 2) clearly articulate a need such as “i’m not comfortable with how close you’re going to pass me. could you please back up and move to the side?” this too, it strikes me, is a form of dishonesty. and i am still not entitled to a resentment because i am the only person who knows what i need and in neither case am i clearly articulating it.

i could cite ten other examples just from the past week but they would all boil down to this: i would rather risk exposure for myself and my 86 year old mother to a deadly disease than i would risk making you feel uncomfortable, or have you turn me down, or have you be mean to me or have you think ill of me (to say nothing of risking being bored with the same walk or the same food–that’s a different post).

this pandemic is a powerful learning experience for many reasons and one of them is this lesson: if i want to stay alive, i need to start telling the truth and asking for what i need.   it is helpful to understand how this pattern developed, but that’s not enough. the opportunity now is to do something different one day at a time.