O’Reilly Thinks Kerry Won

What everyone really wants to know, let’s face it, is how was the experience for snichols? And I can give to you, straight up. It’s like this (warning: this story will raise more questions than it answers):

At 6:00pm pacific time, I’m in the backseat of my minister’s RAV4* with a Jamaican practitioner* riding shotgun headed to a Meditation & Treatment class* in Placerville. I put on my radio’s headset and tune into the clearest signal of the Presidential debate I can find.

John Kerry is asked the first question; he hits it outa the park. What’s this? Bill O’Reilly or Rush Limbaugh (who really can tell the difference, but I think it’s O’Reilly) is overlayed:

“That flip-flopper Kerry is at it already”

I scream. I explain the scream to women up front, and frantically try to find another clear signal without the O’Reilly overlay. I scream again. No non-O’Reilly reception is available in Folsom. I turn back. Bush is on the ropes. He’s sounding whiney and desperate.

O’Reilly: “That Bolshevik Lehrer ought to be shot! The President’s been on the defensive the whole debate! These debates are an outrage!

I hoot. The ministers ask for clarification. “I’m back on the Rush Limbaugh station,” (I lie, thinking they may not know who O’Reilly is, and not wanting to explain) “Even he thinks Kerry is kicking butt!”

It goes on like this for sometime, with O’Reilly’s invective getting stronger and stronger. He refers several times snidely to Kerry speaking French, to Kerry getting friendly with the “Krauts”! and at one point calls Jim Lehrer “a jew” (and I don’t think he meant it nicely).

O’Reilly is outraged that John Kerry calls Lehrer “Jim”–“They’re old friends!” he screams. “The whole thing is rigged! The state of Florida is controlled by liberals!” (okay, he didn’t say that last part, but he was that freaked)

So, at this point, I’m loving it. Who knew it could be this fun to listen to a right wing fanatic implode. He’s got absolutely nothin’ and he is palpably quiet as Bush stumbles confusing Saddam Hussein for Osama bin Laden. The most he can muster after a while is “amens” after everyone of Bush’s sentences.

Then I lose the signal in Shingle Springs. No more debate. Just a bunch of spiritual talk. When I get home, the television is asleep. I have not heard the second half of the debate or any of the spin. I am clean and pure except for Bill O’Reilly who clearly CLEARLY thinks that Kerry won the debate.

Questions raised:

*snichols has a minister?

*what’s a Jamaican practitioner?

*what kind of cult is snichols into?