i remember it vividly. i’m standing in a parking lot talking to two friends. i was asking one of them what had changed her financial life. she said, “what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.”
i laughed long and hard and then joked, “well if that’s true, i may need to try what you’re doing.” i quote a figure of money saying, “that’s how much money i spent this month on mistakes, late fees, fines, and generally moving too fast.”
she said (and i’ll never forget this moment), “i could live on your mistakes.” the amount i had squandered due to one month’s vagueness was literally enough to meet all her expenses.
it was like i was hit by a spiritual 2 by 4. tears burst from my eyes at the thought that i had wasted my family’s and the universe’s resources in that way. i thought of all the people living in poverty and felt physically ill.
in the intervening 7 years, i’ve been on a long slow climb out of the valley of vagueness…with money especially, but also other details.
i now consider “doing my numbers,” as the people who taught me call it, a spiritual practice. i track my income and expenses carefully now, even the small amounts.
this practice of getting out of vagueness with money has paid literal and figurative dividends. at the end of this period, we are definitely richer than we were when i stood in that parking lot. more importantly, i feel more abundant, adult, and free than i did when i stood in vagueness.
in particular, seeking the truth of our finances has strengthened my partnership with my spouse. i realized then that despite my advancing years, i had continued to behave like a child with money. i acted like someone who would always have a parent to fall back on and didn’t think carefully about the consequences of financial decisions or how they would affect others.
i came to understand how vagueness served me. if i didn’t see it, i wouldn’t have to change. i could keep doing the same things, expecting different results. i told myself it was more freeing not to know.
i’m still far from perfect with money, and that’s okay too. i am seeking progress, not perfection.
next week, i’ll be writing to you from actual vegas, but obviously, i won’t be able to tell much…
