It is an axiom of spiritual work that if I spot it, I got it. And spot it I do. I am in full scale judgment of Donald Trump not conceding or cooperating with the incoming presidential administration of Joe Biden.
So in an effort to free myself from the pain of this judgment and loosen my (and perhaps the collective) consciousness from the grip of self righteousness, I uncomfortably ask myself, what, why and how I won’t concede or cooperate today?
It goes without saying that I don’t want to do this work. I really want it to all be Donald Trump’s or his followers’ fault, and not mine. That is easier than the task of breaking down my own ego defense, the go to drug of self righteousness.
1) What won’t I concede today? I don’t want to concede that Joe Biden may have been a better candidate for this election than Bernie Sanders. I strongly preferred Bernie and was attached to the idea that he was the only one who could win. Biden did win though and by a large margin (even though it has taken days for the final vote tally) and he does seem to have a message that is useful for the country. On a related note, I don’t want to concede that the “healing reach across the aisle“ message has resonance. It seems like bullshit to me; I mean I believe that Joe Biden believes it but I don’t think that any amount of aisle reaching is going to cause Republicans to do the right thing for the average working person. I don’t want to concede that Republicans, although they lost the race for president, voted in record numbers for this president. I don’t want to concede that the visceral white nationalist themes that motivated this crowd may well continue to motivate them. I don’t want to concede that some people even deliberately seem to have chosen divided government by voting for Republican US Senators and state legislatures while voting for Joe Biden for president. I don’t want to concede that I may not have my finger on the pulse of America. I don’t want to concede that I feel as angry and judgmental and cynical as I do right now.
2. What don’t I want to cooperate with? I don’t want to cooperate with anyone if the truth is really going to be told. I want to do what I want when I want it and I don’t want people to hold me back. I want to be able to dictate to the community I live in what activities are COVID safe and which ones are COVID scary. I don’t want anybody else’s opinions in the mix. I want to make the rules for all meetings I go to. I want to have a job where someone gives me the ball to run with and I don’t have to stay in any particular part of the field. I want to choose which television shows and movies my husband and I watch and when we watch them. I want to be busy whenever I want to and have my husband available and at my beck and call whenever I’m free and want to play. I want my other family members to schedule all family events and guidelines around what is convenient, useful and meaningful to me and not them.
And why am I drenched in unconciliatory uncooperative behavior? Because at some level I feel under attack. I think that I have to defend myself against those who are different or have other ideas. And this is true despite the fact that I have a lifetime of experience that where I let go and let the universe decide my direction my life is richer and more full.
Just for today, I concede everything I don’t want to concede and will cooperate with those around me. Tomorrow though, I might go back to digging in.