There’s a prevalent mythology in American culture that what creates the best friendships or relationships is having things in common–by that we mean opinions, preferences and background. However, my life evidence tells me that what really builds connection is just stinkin’ time spent together. The people I love are the people I know. Just look at how many people’s besties are their college freshmen roomies, army buddies or just plain workmates. Was that because you were twins separated at birth? probably not. It was probably because you were forced to spend loads of time together. Familiarity breeds more than contempt. It breeds love and compassion.
I attend spiritual support groups to help me with handling multiple aspects of life including relationships, healthy eating, work and money. Over the years of attending the same groups with many of the same people, I’ve formed deep relationships with lots of folks, some of whom couldn’t be more different from me. I’ve become close to people with radically different education, economic & cultural backgrounds than mine. Some of what binds us together is the culture of vulnerability in these circles. We are honest with each other about our mistakes, whom we’ve harmed, what we’re afraid of. But the other part of the connection is just time spent.
This all feels really true as I write it, yet I am greatly liable to forget. Every time I enter a new group of people in any way, whether by choice or circumstances, I feel out of place. There seem to be dominant personalities running the show and long established ways of doing things. I am certain that I will never feel a part of the group. The solution is always service. Taking a job setting up chairs, calling people, showing up with a casserole, whatever it is that is needed that I can do. The more I am of service the less I am thinking about myself and how I don’t fit in. And the more time I’m “forced” to spend with others. And before I know it, when I show up, I feel a sense of belonging.
