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I wrote yesterday about how I’ve been experimenting with unconditional self love. It probably wasn’t out of the blue that I was able to contemplate this action of praying for self love. A few years back, I happened to catch Christine Arylo as the featured speaker at a Sunday service. I have no idea what she said but I connected with her talk enough to buy her book, Madly In Love With Me. I hated the cover. I hated the title (it’s very much written for women and girls but it could assist anyone). Yet the book was a revelation for me because I had never understood how I could be simultaneously have such high self esteem and have NO problem making time for self care, yet mentors would suggest that I needed more self love. What? What is self love if not esteem and care? Well now I know. Arylo identifies and explores ten different types of self love. She provided quizzes to assess which types we are strong or weak in. You can take the quiz online now (it’s not as extensive as those in the book but it gives you a snapshot of where you are). Self Love QuizIt turns out while I score relatively high on self awareness, honesty, care, trust, esteem, empowerment, pleasure and expression, I fall down hard on self compassion, forgiveness, respect and honor. Reading this book awakened me to how I simultaneously appreciate and esteem myself, while at the same time I am angry and judgmental towards myself much of the time. Paradoxically, knowing how little compassion I have had for myself has given me compassion for myself. More and more, when I feel angry and judgmental towards myself I put my hand on my heart and think how I would feel if I had a young granddaughter or a pet. Would I be angry at her for making a mistake? Or would I just bring her onto my lap and give her a hug and tell her that it’s okay?
Lately I am leaning towards the latter. My previous post shows what was at stake for me in displaying this level of unconditional love towards myself. If I am loving and kind to me no matter what, I fear I will never accomplish anything or get anything done. And, yes, as frightening as that is, that has to be okay.