I don’t know a lot about how to set appropriate personal boundaries but I am an expert on how NOT to set them, so I’m going to walk through that now.
#10 — First wait years to figure out that there’s no appropriate boundaries between you and other people; This is crucial. If you set boundaries at the beginning of your life and hold them, they you might grow up with consistent loving relationships and where’s the fun in that?
#9 — Know that the other people are the problem & that if they would only stop doing this to you, then you would be okay; I can’t emphasize this enough. If you don’t blame other people for violating YOUR boundaries, then its very difficult to justify the implementation of the other 8 key tips;
#8 — Figure out a boundary that you want the other people to observe; Remember that in my dysfunctional universe, I believe that it is OTHER people’s job to observe my boundaries (not mine). So I need to come at the boundary from that perspective. Like, if I don’t want to talk on the phone with someone 6 times a day, I need them to stop calling me. I never consider other options that I could control. I don’t stop answering. I don’t turn off my phone. I don’t NOT call back. I don’t block their calls. Remember this is their problem, not mine.
#7 — Tell them why you have to set a boundary and how bad they have made you feel; They must know how bad they have made me feel and they must be made to feel terrible about the years of harm they have caused me. If I don’t tell them why I’m setting the boundary, how are they going to get the motivation to change?
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| This is a boundary! Stop crossing it! |
#6 — Describe exactly what the boundary is; since they will be the ones in charge of observing the boundary, not me, it is crucial that they recognize it.
#5 — Tell them what they can’t do anymore; Never make the mistake of thinking that you are in charge of only your own behavior. It is THEIR behavior that is the issue here. You’re the victim. They’re the perp. Therefore the spiritually enlightened thing is to tell them what they can and cannot do.
#4 — Tell what you’re going to do when (not if) they break your boundary; talk to them in an angry blaming way about the boundary that you have failed to hold for years and make sure they understand that you now (contrary to before) mean business and that when, not if, you can’t trust these people, they next break this boundary, this is what you’re going to do.
#3 — When they do break it, don’t do what you said you would do; u want to keep them guessing, so if you said that you are going to leave the room every time they speak to you in an abusive manner. Next time they do that, stay in the room and sulk;
#2 — Don’t be quiet about this; if you choose to quietly without fanfare leave the room, or hang up, or change the subject every time someone crosses a certain line, they might not ever understand that they are the problem and everything might just quietly get sweeter and more serene. Don’t risk this. See above.
And the #1 way to NOT set boundaries IS:
Whatever you do, do not choose to hold your own boundaries; the single biggest mistake you can make is to take responsibility for your own life and choices. If you take responsibility for holding and maintaining your own boundaries, then everything in your life and everyone in your life and all your relationships will improve without anybody ever feeling bad about how they treated you, or getting angry that you’ve changed. This, clearly, is a ridiculous result to be avoided at all costs.